So I may be sicker than I realize I am.

Because I shit my pants at work last night.

Luckily it was 1 am and the person I was working with didn’t ask questions and let me go home real quick to change but fucking hell.

I’ve prided myself on a strong ability to hold back my waste needs, and haven’t had any accident (even period ones) since I was like 13 and younger, so this really does not make me feel very confident about my health.

I’ve never really been digestively healthy, and letting that sit for so many years is probably taking its toll now.

I don’t have the money to get it checked out and I don’t like doctors or medicine anymore at all I’m tired of it.

Guess I’ll just wait until I have anal prolapse and then die from it by refusing treatment because of the expenses.

So I got a letter in the mail today that read in big letters “PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL” from a place called Quest Diagnostics and I was like


this is it

the doctor never called about my test results because I’m dying and they wanted to tell me privately.

I have PID. I have AIDS. I have cancer. Maybe all three and more.

Fucking shit.

But I opened it and what did I find? A fucking bill for the tests and processing the information. I looked all over for the fucking results or something but no it’s not there. It even has a little blurb about how only doctors can tell patients their results and this is just a summary of billed items. 

Like. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re gonna charge my ass for tests YOU HAVEN’T EVEN SPOKEN TO ME ABOUT?



Or hey I could live my life with balloon vagina until I go infertile from PID thanks to my IUD.

All of a sudden I’ve had small white dots in my stool and I’ve been thinking that on top of everything I have a fucking tapeworm or some shit.

But searching for clues, I found a thread on a site where people post and discuss symptoms, and it was full of people describing this same thing, and they ALL happened to be on Effexor/Venlafaxine. Some people linked to articles and the manufacturer’s site that lists it as a side effect.

I’ve been on it for over a year and my dose hasn’t changed but well whatever.

As a pervert autistic it really gives me great joy to see people squish balls.

Something about the way the flesh squishes and rearranges the testicles makes me really happy. It’s fascinating.

Fantasizing about boobly stuff (this post has nothing to do with the Mami article btw).

Like the non-canon spinoff where Candler gets his body switched and has a vagina and boobs (and thus basically becomes trans since he’s still a dude obviously) and Zed is just totally in love with Candler’s cute boobs and much boob-oriented sexy times. Ohhh that makes me swoon.

And then I was thinking about in the real story when Zed decides it’s time to stop breast (udder?) feeding the children and he becomes painfully swollen and can’t find the courage to milk himself because he’s afraid it’ll hurt more and begs Candler to do it but then Candler gets all horny-hypnotized and starts feeding from Zed instead and Zed realizes that’s really arousing and so starts goading Candler into feeding off him but that’s not enough so he takes the milk bottles from the fridge that were left over and it all basically comes down to “make him gorge as much as possible off me big fat round belly yes” and ahhhh WHY DOES THAT SOUND SO FANTASTIC.

That’s probably not gonna be canon either but it sure is fun to think about because I’m a fucking gross ass freak of nature.


Ha. Ha ha. Haaa.

My sewage is backed up again and shit is coming up through the bath tub :’)

Mom told me not to flush toilet paper if I had to wipe more than twice and I tried that but then my bathroom stank because I had to keep used paper in a fucking bag by the toilet and she bitched about how disgusting that was and ??? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO ???

so I started flushing it like a normal human being, like I SHOULD BE ABLE TO, and now my system is backed up after only a few weeks!

and I know when I tell mom that she’s going to blame me for “using too much toilet paper” even though up until I lived in this hellhole I HAVE NEVER CLOGGED A TOILET OR HAD ANY SORT OF SEWAGE PROBLEM SINCE MOVING OUT but nooo that’s not possible they KNOW I am a sickly human being who needs and wastes too much toilet paper because they’re feces expert doctors

(even tho their underwear has fucking skid marks in it LOL)

and my landlord will also blame me because he told me when it first happened that “this never happened with my aunt” who was the previous occupant who left this place a fucking mess, probably had more problems than he thought since he failed to tell us about any of that mess, and also even if she didn’t SHE WAS FUCKING OLD AND SICK AS HELL and probably didn’t use the bathroom like an average fucking person or might even have mostly used fucking diapers (she was super helpless and that’s why she had to go to a care center).

What the REAL problem is what was told us by the fucking plumbers who came, and that’s that tree roots have grown into the system and thus everything gets tangled in it. Also this is an old as fuck trailer with an old as fuck system.

But instead of doing literally ANYTHING about it, even just knocking off some of my rent since I have to deal with living like this, I’m going to get all fingers pointed at me and probably lose the unreasonably huge ass deposit I had to put down for this piece of shit place.

I honestly wouldn’t have decided to live here at all if living with my parents wasn’t such hell on earth and I could find a place that would let me have JUST ONE FUCKING CAT for my mental health that wasn’t either also a hellhole or an unreasonable price.

Here’s a simple starting place Obama and pro-gun jackasses and everyone else who crows and crows about the state of our mental health care: recognize more than just seeing eye dogs as service animals so we don’t have to choose between a good home or sanity. It’s super fucking easy and a nice little baby step in the right direction. Would help a lot more than you think.

Oh my god the smell of sewage is all over the trailer already.

I think I might actually cry this isn’t right but I’m going to get blamed for it.

I will admit maybe sometimes I use a BIT too much but okay I have this thing maybe it’s OCD I don’t know where I have to wipe until I get NOTHING on the paper except maybe blood (yeah often until I see blood) and nobody understands that or they say it’s because I’m fat or drink soda or something and thus I “have digestive problems” or something ridiculous but even if that is the case after all again ever since moving out I’ve NEVER had to deal with a clogged toilet or backed up system or anything - even when I was living with a roommate whose sisters and boyfriend were constantly hanging around! so that’s around five people+ (sometimes the sisters’ boyfriends would be around too) using the same toilet and WOW NO TOILET ISSUES AT ALL - but nope nope nope all my fault all my fault I’m disgusting and stupid and sick and useless and everything I ever do is wrong wrong wrong wrong

I was craving strawberry milk so I bought a little bottle of it but now I can’t drink it because I fucked up and had too much dairy today, and too much sugar, so I’ve been battling digestive issues.

Just when I think I’ve gotten through it, I have to rush to the bathroom. Blegh.

On top of that, the doctor basically ignored me when I told her all the issues I’ve been having with the antibiotics she put me on.

I almost can’t eat anything. Everything feels like it’s coated in pepper or salt or hot peppers or something; my mouth and throat burn so fucking hot and bad that I feel like puking. Ramen and cereal seems to be the only things this doesn’t happen with, so far.

On top of that, I keep getting that sick feeling in my throat. That feeling that I didn’t swallow a pill well enough and it’s sticky in my throat.

She said, “Oh, it’s normal to be nauseous on this medicine. Just take it with a full stomach!” which was completely unhelpful.

And she also didn’t listen to me when I told her I was still having significant itchiness on my breasts.

She only seemed concerned about my pelvic exam. Which, yeah, that was the main point of the visit, but god damn it? Why should I schedule a new appointment when she’s right there?

And in related news, I have an infection. I didn’t need an exam to know that. But she’s gonna test to see what it is. She took a pap too so I could know if it traveled up from my IUD or anything like that. Won’t know about the pap until late next week at least, but the infection results will be in by Monday.

However, she said it’s been there for a while, because I’m swollen like a god damned blueberry (or… giant ass cherry, as it were, lmfao). Which explains some things, and to be honest I’m not surprised. I’ve been itching off and on for a while but I didn’t have any means to see a doctor, or a doctor to see, and I kept putting it out of my mind because I live in denial about my health always.

Hopefully I didn’t give myself PID from being a dumb piece of shit.

I have mixed, convoluted feelings about having sex and my sexual history.

I try to write something about it but then I just delete it because, what am I saying? Do I mean that? What do I want to really say?

Why are centaurs so hot when it’s absolutely impossible for me to have sex with them.